


searching for someone of my own kind

by toneelspeler



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, M/M, POV Outsider, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 17:34:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18721744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toneelspeler/pseuds/toneelspeler
Summary: you ask him whether he needs some help;his mouth says no. i can do this on my own.his eyes scream yes.--a sister's perspective on david and matteo.





	searching for someone of my own kind

at age sixteen, you tell your mother you might like a girl. a girl with black hair and eyes to dive into; a girl who smiled at you when you would touch her hand and looked at you, asking you to turn over your hand so she could put her fingers between yours. every day she got closer to that happening. you, however, knew you had to do something about it, to talk. it wasn't like you not to talk with your mother about it. you talked about everything.

 

so at age sixteen, there you are. 

 

a few hours later, you're packing your bags.

 

\--

 

you got to know him one night; a night where you and friends are usually found at the same place every week. it was the first place you got to know people who loved you. unconditionally. a place with people that healed you. you're kissing your friends goodbye, as you have an early exam the next morning and head out back. 

 

on the corner, there he is.

 

a hoodie drawn over, almost swallowing his face. young, baggy clothes, skittishly looking around. you see yourself, a few years back. someone desperate to be seen and unseen all at once. 

you ask him whether he needs some help; 

 

his mouth says  _ no. i can do this on my own.  _

 

his eyes scream yes.

 

as public transportation is winding down, you offer him a place to stay, never pushing him to tell you anything.

 

what his story is, is his, you think, as you walk into the ratty old building you've been housed in the last few months. 

 

in the morning his story begins. his name is david.

 

\--

what starts out as a few days leads into a few months. you don't mind. the place is too big for you alone. 

 

david doesn't go to school, you notice. he's told you he can't be at his old one anymore. asking a few friends, you help him  get into a new school in berlin for his final months there. the perks of having friends in all kinds of places. you tell him that all he needs is a diploma and he's free. 

he wants to be a director. you watch some of his favourite films with him; and the tired eyes slowly turn into little lights. 

 

after his first few days at his new school - a place, he mentions, he feels he can disappear and which makes him happy - he asks you for a night to sit down. he thanks you.  he tells you he feels like he can trust you. 

 

he tells you he's trans, and about his parents. why he's in berlin. 

 

you ask him for a hug. he smiles.  

 

that next evening, you ask two of your closest trans friends to come over. friends who are kind and understanding, but who don't shy away from politics and their own identities as dinner conversations. you hadn't told them anything about david; it's his story to tell. but once every so often, you see a wondrous smile blooming on david's face. 

 

seeing yourself reflected matters. you know. it's what your friends - your family, have done for you.

 

\--

slowly, the monotonuous life creeps in. david can't pay rent but helps with the apartment, and joins you in other activities to help you. he's kind, and a warm person. he notices when you're off after a phonecall conversation with your mother. he sticks around. 

 

usually fridays were hanging around evenings; david drawing in his journal while you watch a series on youtube. as long as it has lesbians in it, you jokingly told david that very first evening.

 

but lately, david arrives home later, quickly withdrawing himself into his room. 

 

one week, he asks you whether you want to go to a party with him. his smile is a little too beaming not to notice.  _ a party? _ you ask with your eyebrows dancing around.  david's wall of secrecy had fallen down after that conversation a few weeks ago. he tells you about a boy who's been sort of flirting with him. he's why he was late last week. 

 

_ so what do you need me for at that party?  _

 

_ i need a way out if need be. _

 

the party itself is fine enough, and you meet the boy. matteo. he's going around kissing a girl sometimes but david mentioned that he thought matteo hadn't come out yet. you can understand. the next moment you see matteo staring at david talking with someone else. you chuckle. oh, to be a teenager and unsubtle again. 

 

when the party's slowly winding down and people head out for a party at some pub a few streets further on, david comes to you and tells you to go too. 

 

he's staying. matteo wasn't looking well.

 

\--

 

_ we almost kissed _ , david whispers softly.

 

you high five him.

 

\--

that friday, he doesn’t come home. 

 

\--

you try not to worry too much, but still. he’s become like a little brother to you. 

 

somewhere in the afternoon, you get a vague picture sent to you of a pizza box in someone’s bedding. 

 

ah, you think. matteo.

 

\--

the next week, you spend any moment you can with teasing him a little; _ a part of the deal living here. _ david’s smile almost never fully seems to leave his face. he stresses a little and asks what to do; he wants to take matteo out on a date without having to spend a lot of money he doesn’t have. 

 

_ it probably doesn’t matter to him where you are, david  _ \- you tell him.  _ he’s gonna be fine with wherever you are.  _

 

\--

 

david doesn’t talk much. hides away in his room. draws. you close the door in the face of someone seemingly, unknowingly sad. 

 

\--

 

over the next few weeks david still doesn’t start talking. you know him for too short of a time but still you get the feeling david is too much in his own head. 

 

you ask him once, why he didn’t contact matteo instead.

 

_ i needed an out.  _

 

and all you can think is; _ i think someone needs a way in.  _

 

\--

he keeps drawing. you catch him one time looking at pictures of matteo on instagram. you ruffle his hair a little.

 

\--

one friday, a few weeks in, david comes out of his room and sits with you; watching one of your shows, silently. 

 

_ should i tell him? _

 

then it all starts to make sense; the drawing, the hiding, the staying in. so you offer him an out:

 

_ only if you think it’s worth a shot. maybe he is.  _

 

a text message has him running out of your apartment.

 

\--

 

_ i told him,  _ david says.

 

it feels light and heavy all at once.

 

\--

you feel the need to go out and find matteo sometimes, to knock some sense into him. but you don’t; it’s not what david wants. david is understanding. david is kind. 

 

david says matteo needs time to process things; that’s just who he is. he does it with everything. somehow, david is a little more upbeat than she is. 

 

_ i know how he looks at me. i feel seen when i’m with him.  _

 

\-- 

 

on thursday night david storms into your room and faceplants himself into your bed, laughing a little into your pillow. 

 

you sit yourself next to him.  _ matteo?  _

 

david turns around, breathes out a deep breath. he smiles.

 

\--

 

there are no words for absolute horror in someone’s eyes. 

 

\--

 

he leaves without saying too much. he’s at his godmother’s; he sends a text when he’s there so you know where he is. 

 

you barely sleep.

 

\--

 

_ matteo was here. he will wait for you. we care about you.  _ you send him. you see that he looks at the messages. he doesn’t respond.

 

_ i hope you will realise how loved you are. _

 

\--

 

several days later; late at night, your phone buzzes - 

 

_ thank you laura.  _

_ for the first time i do.  _

**Author's Note:**

> never thought the remakes would be something i would write for but today's clip and the fact that their backstory seems so very interesting made me want to explore! so here it is. 
> 
> please let me know what you think!
> 
> i can also be found on tumblr @toneelspeelster & on twitter @spelertoneel. <3


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